Once heard, but never forgotten:
(God makes sure of that by saying it over and over again)
I have spent most of my life afraid of something.
I was either afraid of the dark, or the things that could happen in the dark. Sometimes, it was monsters that could be under the bed, other times it was simply that when I was asleep, and the house was quite, I was never quite sure that my grandma was okay in the other room, or that my sister was still breathing in the bunk below me. Those were all childhood fears. Fears that something would take my life away in my sleep, or fears that someone else would be taken from me.
As I grew older, my fears became less about "leaving" (you see dying never scared me, but the thought of no longer being able to connect to people did) this world and more about leaving my comfort zone. I grew afraid of speaking in public, of people talking about me behind my back, of my friends not talking to me anymore.
Then I got even older and grew afraid of absolutely nothing but my own power. I graduated high school, moved away to college and realized I was in control of my own destiny. That nothing could really stop me but myself. I grew to see myself as completely incapable of really doing anything of importance. I grew afraid of my mediocrity.
But then again, I grew, and I no longer saw myself as mediocre. I realized that I was extraordinary. I had amazing power to set things into motion, to create ripples that would affect lifetimes. I realized I could change the course of history in a heartbeat, that I could heal in a moment, and that I COULD TALK TO GOD AND THAT HE TALKED BACK.
This was the most terrifying of all fears. I have heard a good woman say, "It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us." She goes on to say "We asks ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God."
That woman, incase you didn't recognize it, was Marianne Williamson. She wrote that and I felt it.
I was so afraid of being in control, MORE afraid than I was of being out of control. I secretly knew it was silly to be afraid of monsters under the bed, and I always knew my grandmother and little sister would be okay. I was never really that afraid of the mean girls in my high school (it's true ever high school has mean girls; it is also true that these girls are the most terrified of their power and losing it). I was never even really that afraid of being mediocre. Hey, at least I knew what my limits were, and I could project how it would all turn out.
But being able to TALK TO GOD! BEING ABLE TO HEAR THE STORY OF HOW AND WHY THE UNIVERSE WAS CREATED FROM THE CREATOR ITSELF?
WHAT?
Now, that's terrifying!
To finally realize, that God is not just some entity that I can pray to and find outside my being, but that also I am God. That God is the most central part of my being. That if I could only get rid of the fear and grief and pain, only God would be left.
To finally realize that I am the arms, and legs, and mouth, and ears of God. That I am the Christ-light on Earth- that is terrifying!
Not that I don't want all of you to accept, and admit, and embody that fact, but just let me be the illustration that acceptance and mental knowledge, does not a Buddha make.
I have come to realize that this fear, the fear of my Christ-light, is the most debilitating and destructive of all fears. When you are afraid of your true self, your true beauty, your true potential, what do you do?
I have friends who chose to ignore it, fight it, deny it. They self destruct in various ways. My family members drink. My loves fight, and slash, and attack anything of beauty that might act as a mirror to their soul. They refuse to be happy; they only smile when appropriate; they refuse to listen to anything that shows them that they are important, and simply Love.
I on the other hand, am a glorious over achiever. I take all of the light that I know that I posses and hide it. I sit on it. I put on the dim beams. I find ways to show people that I am harmless. I play the weak damsel in distress. "What? Who me? I could change the world? I'm not that important."
I hide myself, by investing in others. I tell myself I don't deserve to be great when others are not even able to be mediocre. I invest in their brilliance and beauty. I tear myself apart so that they may shine a little brighter.
And then I spiral, down, down, down. I disconnect myself from my Christ-light and I am nothing. I am no One.
God once told me the following, when I was first becoming aware of my gift:
You are here to learn all there is to know about Love. You are an overachiever. But all you need to know is that Love is God, and God is Love. And I know you worry about sins and Heaven and Hell. Heaven is where I am always present. Hell is where you feel nothing but my absence. And sinning leads to Hell.
But I will also tell you this. There is only one true sin-- fear. Fear is the only thing that can separate you from me. Fear is the only thing that can lead to the actions that you call sins- greed, gluttony, fraud, murder, theft, pride. Fear, my little one, is the only true sin. It leads to all the rest.
Now, here I am six years after the fact; six years after I first heard God speak and understood that there was nothing to fear, and that Jesus's death was all about that. That it was a demonstration that God was always with us, and that we no longer had to fear death, that through his life he showed us we no longer had to fear anything.
Six years, after hearing and mentally storing all of that, I am still afraid of myself. I am still the only thing separating myself from God.
Silly, huh?
No. Human.
It's a journey, and we are all headed to the same place. How we get there and who we meet are a mixture of God's plan and our choices, but honestly since we are God maybe I should say "Our Higher Connected Self's" plans and our human choices. I have also been taught that there are mile markers along the path that show us that we are where we are meant to be. Little secret messages we placed along the trail before we came here to show us that we are doing well.
I have learned so many things, but have shared so little, because I am afraid.
But today, I am a little less afraid and a little more prepared. I am ready to push forward a little more, let a little more of my light fly through the streets of Rochester until they make their way to the other edge of the Universe.
I am ready to let a few more of you know who I really am. I am ready to try. And I am ready to accept myself when I come crawling back and back peddle, in a few days, to my old ways and old fears.
It's a process, and above all I must Love myself in order to find God and spread Her energy, Her hopes, Her healing.
And I will.
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